Self Failure

I have come to the conclusion that I set myself up to fail. I was thinking back over the past few months and how I have set some pretty unrealistic goals for me to achieve in my little time frame.

I am about to change myself and the way I think. I have come to realize that in order for me to lose this weight I have to change how I think about myself. I have been doing some sorting of items in my home and I came across a book that I bought years ago. I am going to re-read it since it is about changing the way you think about yourself in order to achieve the goals you set. We will see where that takes me.

Back in the Saddle Again

I went on a strike and now I am back again. I am deteremined to make this work even if that means doing things I really do not feel like doing that day. No more excusses and saying I cannot do it.

I have started to clean out the basement so I can find my workout mat and weights, and my workout videos. I am either going to work out first thing in the morning or when I come home after work (if I ever start a job that is).

I am not going to let anything stop me. I am not happy with my clothing not fitting, but I am determined not to buy new clothes.

Set Backs

Sometime has passed since I last posted. I, myself, know that this is a long and bumpy journey. I also know that other life factors are going to impact the outcomes of choices I make.

I have stopped journaling everyday, as a matter of fact I have not journaled since October 5th. I feel guilty and I feel that I have let myself down. Realizing these feelings are important since it helps me to see that I am doing this for myself and not for others, because I do not feel that I am letting my family down.

Thanksgiving is now over, thank goodness. That was a stressful weekend. In laws are not talking to me. As a mater of fact the individual not talking to me was here last night, came and dropped off stuff and left.

I know stress isn't good and that if I got rid of it I would probably start losing some weight. My stressful situations are two things, in laws and lack of job.

Here's hoping things improve soon!

The Beginning of a New Week and Fresh Start

Well a week has past since I last put anything on here. I feel kind of guilty but realize that when life outside of cyber-world is taking hold you need to go with the flow. I wasn't feeling all that great last week, paired with trying to get a job, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to come on here and look at my goals and do research. But now I am back on track and here I am about to set some goals for the week.

My goals for this week are:

1. Make healthier choices
2. Go for a walk at least three times this week
3. Look at some sites to help motivate me

There I did it! I have no idea how much I weigh this week because I still need to get a scale. My family and I are going to get YMCA memberships together (maybe they are starting to see that I need support along this journey).

For now I am off to look at some websites.

Historical Recount of my Weight loss and gain

I guess if I am "turning a new leaf" and "grabbing the bull by the horns" then I must take a look back to figure out where I have gone wrong so I don't make the same mistakes again (even though I know they were repeated several times in the past). All fear aside, I have also decided to add photo's as visual reminders to myself of where I was and where I do not want to be again! Let's begin.

This is me at the end of High School in 1998. At this point in my life I weighed around 110 lbs. I was happy, physically and emotionally. I participated in sports, exercised, and felt comfortable in my own skin. I met my husband and life was great. (This is where I would like to see myself again. If I reach this level I will be able to go for those runs my daughter bags me to go on with her). Looking at this picture, I can honestly say that I would give nothing more than to go back in time so I can change my weight loss battle from the start rather than fighting it!

This is me in June of 2000. Morgan is 7 months old and we are visiting my sisters first born. As you can see I have changed drastically. I claim that I never noticed myself putting on the weight. I don't know if this is true or if I just blocked out the reality that I gaining weight. I no longer went for walks, participated in sports, or did any form of exercise. I was happy at times. I cannot tell you how much I weigh here but I am sure it is around 150-160 lbs. Looking at this picture, I cannot help but wonder why I gave up everything after having Morgan. It isn't her fault that I stopped and I will never blame any of this on her, but I cannot figure out why I did not continue the same path I already lead in my life prior to her.

This is me in June of 2001. Morgan is now 18 months old and we are at my sisters baby shower for her second child. As you can really notice I have put on even more weight (more noticeable in my face). At this point I still wasn't acknowledging my weight, but after I saw this picture and being unable to keep up with toddler I decided a change needed to start. We were moving to North Bay where I was going to be taking Early Childhood Education. At this point I am going to say I am some where around 165-175 lbs.

This is me in September of 2002. My final year in the Early Childhood Education program. We are at a park near Mattawa learning about educational activities to take our students to. As you can see here, changes in weight haven't been made. In January 2003, I decided to join Weight Watchers and found out I weighed at gross 188 lbs. I signed up for their 16 week package which brought me to the end of the school year and a move to London. At this point I weighed a nice 165 lbs. The move to London though stopped the Weight Watchers adventure, but found me at University and working at local child care centre.

This is me in September of 2003 at one of my best friends weddings. This is after my start with Weight Watchers where I lost 23 lbs. Unfortunately as mentioned with the picture before we moved to London and started a sedimentary life style. But I did walk to the University whenever it was possible rather than taking the bus or driving my car since I did not live that far away.

This picture was taken sometime in the Spring of 2004. This is after I stopped attending Weight Watchers meetings (as you can tell my face has started to get chunky again) and just after I started doing Weight Watchers at home on my own again. It was working well, but I cannot tell you if I lost weight or not. I cannot even remember how much I weighed at this point in time.

This picture is from April of 2005. We moved from London to Chelmsford so I could attend Laurentian University. At this point in my life my weight is around 175 lbs (this is only known because I had to have a medical done to work for the city). I was embarrassed about my weight but did nothing about it (I have no idea why I didn't though). Over the summer I did a lot of walking with my job at the city, so finally I was becoming active again.

This picture is from September 2006 at my brother and sister in law's wedding. In January she asked me to apart of the wedding party and when I went for the fitting for the dress I would be wearing the sales lady upset me a lot. She couldn't find a bridesmaid dress that I fit into so I ended up trying on a wedding dress (size 16) then told me that I would have to order a size up (now an 18) and because there was now extra fabric to be added my price went from $180 to $300. I cried after leaving the store. In April I rejoined Weight Watchers, weighing in at 178 lbs. By the time the wedding came around I was no longer at Weight Watchers but weighed 160 lbs. This is my least favourite picture of all time. I hate how I look!

This is me at my graduation in May of 2007. In April I decided to join a program at the gym I was going to, that would assist me in losing weight. I worked closely with a nutritionist (or so I thought she was one) and a personal trainer (who I adore and found very motivational). When I started the program I weighed around 175 lbs. In this picture you can tell from my face that some of the weight is starting to come off.

This picture was taken in August 2007 the day before my wedding. I love this picture and I love how I felt at the time. I was now weighing in at 150 lbs (the lowest I think I have been in awhile). That brings my weight loss total for this session to 25 lbs. I thought after the wedding that I would remain on track and continue to lose weight and follow the new meal plan and work out schedule. I was wrong. I went into my final year of university and just threw everything out the window. I left the gym I was at and went to a new one that I never went to. I went to the new gym until Christmas and never returned. I hated it there! My work out was boring and I didn't feel I was achieving anything.

This is me in April 2008 at a friends wedding. My face is getting fat again and I had to go out and buy a new outfit because the outfit that I gotten for the wedding no longer fit. I cried again and blamed others, but now I see that they had nothing to do with me stopping my meal plan and stopping me from going to the gym. I did this on my own (and part of my new life is to stop blaming others for my weight loss failure, it is fair to them and it isn't being honest with myself).

This picture was taken in June 2008, it is the most recent picture I have of myself. At this point in my life I was every emotional. A lot good and bad things were happening and I was graduating from Teachers College. Currently we are now living in Barrie, I am unemployed (but hopefully that will change soon), but I have decided to take charge of my life and change the way I look for the better. I currently weigh around 172-175 lbs.

Well there it is my weight loss and gain history. Now looking at these pictures I know where I was and where I want to be!

The Beginning of a New Life

Funny how small things can affect all aspects of your life. In this case a life altering move from one city to another has caused a great deal of changes in my life (some good and some not so good), but in the end I have learned to either go with the flow or take charge and do something about the situation.

I am an organizer by nature, so here I am on the Internet creating a blog about something I myself am not comfortable admitting to, but I have decided to grab "the bull by the horns" and make a change. Hopefully this choice will help others make a change in their lives. Not saying I am a big believer in the "if I can do it, so can you" theory but who knows maybe someone out there will find motivation through me. Point is, I hope this blog will help me stay organized with all the research I plan to do during this journey.

I also ramble by nature, which brings me to the point of creating this blog. I have decided that today is going to be my official turning point in the weight loss battle. It ends here and now, with no more excuses, blame games, and failed attempts (which I know were caused only by me being self destructive).

For today I leave you (and myself for that matter) with the knowledge that I promise myself I will win this battle and be all the more thankful for it!